Bossy Kids - Emperor Syndrome

Not much more than a decade ago they began to appear in different cities around the world, children who are the undisputed heads of their families. They are the ones who choose what’s for dinner, where to go on vacation, what TV channel gets watched, bedtimes and all other family activities. They threaten, they hit, they psychologically assault their parents and it seems that they have not developed empathy – the ability to understand what another person is feeling – and they don’t seem to experience emotions such as compassion, love, or guilt.

It’s a phenomenon called Emperor Syndrome, where children make their wishes the law, and whoever doesn’t obey, pays the consequences in aggression and horrific tantrums. It’s a type of violence used by children against their parents, where children learn to control their parents, finding ways to make the parents obey and meet their demands. These tyrannical children are also called “little dictators” reflecting the power that they get within the family. These children are easy to recognize, they are characterized by their selfishness, and a very low tolerance for frustration that can’t be ignored. They don’t appear to have learned self-control – how to control their own emotions – and they fully understand how to easily manipulate their parents with threats or by engaging them in ever-shifting arguments.

Some researchers emphasize genetic causes for this syndrome, but a more likely and less reductionist cause is probably due to changes in society and the family. For example, today we are all witnesses to the fact that many parents do not have the time or the strength necessary to raise and put limits their children. The economic demands obligate them to be away from home, and these absences cause guilt-ridden parents to giving in to and permissively overprotect their children. In addition, one can observe a decline in habitual affection within the family, a loss of bodily contact like playing and cuddling with our children, where too many screens reduce affectionate contact between loved ones. On a social level, in general, there is a permissive attitude which promotes child ego-centricity.

Perhaps, for fear of an authoritarianism which many adults have endured, we do not allow ourselves to exercise authority- which is different from to authoritarianism – which is healthy and necessary for proper growth of children. On the other hand, television institutionalizes a society of consumerism which legitimizes hedonistic values and demands fun and doing what you want in the moment without letting anything or anyone, much less obligations, get in the way. This enables children’s demands to have the latest model of whatever and excessive privileges, without considering responsibilities or recognizing the value of committing oneself to goals which require effort.

Doubtful parents teach their children – incorrectly- that all limits are negotiable, permitting them to push at everything, through tantrums, physical aggression or the infallible heavy artillery of these little tyrants: to declare aloud that their parents are not good parents or to threaten to stop loving them. As if that were not enough, the entire educational system collapses, when parents totally give over control, they are not able to support the authority of the teacher, as they always have, leaving teachers stranded and alone in the job of teaching and raising- which involves teaching limits. Some go even farther, criticizing teachers when they teach their students what they should not do.

With all of this, when these children reach adolescence they will consider it to be unreasonable to obey their parents, teachers or to respect older adults and logically assume that it is they who should be obeyed. This is how they come to be physically aggressive with their parent. There is an increase in the number of charges being made for children’s aggression toward a parent. The statistics show that it is mothers who are the principle victims of this syndrome and that it is mostly seen in single parent families

We know from engineering as well as psychology that the secret is to invest in a good base. In order to have healthy children, adolescents, and adults, we need to begin right there, when everything starts, in infancy. Although it may seem difficult it is easier and more “economical” to begin by putting firm limits, give them love and let them be frustrated so that they learn to be more tolerant, teach them commitment and hard work while working towards their goals. The benefits of the effort invested at this stage will reap the rewards later in life.

Today’s parents have a lot of fear that their children will tell them that they are bad parents. Because they themselves said that their own parents were not good parents or were very bad to them. In that way, slaves of their words, there is something they cannot endure and it is being called bad parents. This is the voice of their conscience or of their own parents saying “you aren’t a good parent either”. It’s like an unconscious pact made with themselves.

This article is a translation and reposting of the original article, written by the Fundacion Educacion Emocional The original is available on their blog.

Many thanks to the team at the Fundacion de Educacion Emocional!